Open Letter to the Struggling Parent
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A Reframe for the Overwhelmed
You didn’t know it would be this hard. You didn’t know that it meant giving up so much. You didn’t really appreciate that life would really never be the same.
Those moments of pure unaltered appreciation sometimes seem so far away. The giggles as they splashed through a rain puddle, the feel of their hand in yours as you walked across the street together, the look on their face after they conquered their first bike ride.
Our hearts can become hard and heavy. Why don’t they listen to me!? Why can’t I be more patient like Ron and Amanda are with their kids? Why are my kids having problems and others aren’t? Why is this so hard for me? Why is this so hard for them?
Feelings of sadness and overwhelm can ignite into flames of irritation and anger. Don’t you see how hard I’m working? Just do better!!! Be different!!! It’s not that hard! It can be easy to get carried away into a world of heightened emotions.
Time passes. What did you say… What did you do? You’re not that person. You’re not that parent. You want to be better. You want to do better. You really don’t know how…
Many don’t seem to notice your struggles. Meanwhile, despite your best efforts, others seem to always notice.
I’d like to offer you a different perspective to consider. What if this struggle is actually a marker of growth? A sign that you’re being pushed beyond your current abilities and being called to a higher version of yourself. Maybe this isn’t something you asked for, but what if there is something more for you and your family just beyond this struggle.
You sigh. Ya, but I don’t think I can. I don’t know if I even want to anymore. This is too much, it’s too hard.
And yet, you get up each morning and try again. Sure, you have fallen, but you have gotten up. It’s been hard, but you are stronger for it. A champion boxer is not weak when he or she takes a strong blow, they have simply met their match. Your child or children are your match!
I don’t seem to be enough for them, you say. They always seem to need more and more from me. I don’t know what they need from me.
This is the crux of the matter. What if you give them you and this is quite simply enough? You are not fixed and finite. The you of your teen years is not the you of today. As your children grow, you continue to uncover new parts of yourself and develop new resources to face these new challenges. You continue to shed limiting beliefs and heal the pains that life has met you with. You evolve through the stories and conditioning of your heritage and ancestry and heal generations both past and future. You encounter in each moment a you that has been equipped to meet the needs of this present moment.
What makes this perspective confusing is that growth and healing are not always pretty, perfect, and without regrets. Most often they do not present like the unfolding of a beautiful flower, but rather like the bursting and breaking apart of a seed when new shoots of life force their way out into the dirt. But just as the seed is built with that innate ability to know just what to do when the conditions of growth are present, you, as a parent, are also built with an innate ability to grow and develop when those bonds of love are present.
This struggle you feel is actually you moving beyond that old version of yourself into something new and improved. This is your unfolding into the parent that your child has called for and needs. Embrace the mess, the struggle, the tears, the upsets and know that this is the chaos period that clears the way for growth and development.
You will find your way. Your family will find their way. Maybe you just need a little help.
With love,
Stacey Lapham, MSW, RSW
Red Cardinal Counselling
Red Cardinal Counselling
Red Cardinal Counselling provides therapy services in Midland, Ontario and virtually.
Mental wellness is a growing challenge for youth in Midland and around the world. With the rapid growth of technology, social media, and pandemic challenges, teens have been hit particularly hard. Issues with depression, anxiety, stress, and relationships are becoming more and more commonplace. If you are a parent looking for support with your own mental health, or want to find support for your child age 12 and above, reach out to Red Cardinal Counselling for a free 15 minute consultation.
Learn more about Red Cardinal Counselling and my specialized adult and youth therapy services.